Monday, July 5, 2010

I've been a bad little writer..

My crafty creativeness has kept me busy lately, but I'm always thinking about stories I will one day jot down.

I bought a book today called "Stamping Ground" - foreword by Catherine Deveny. 27 writers take you on a journey through the familiar and unfamiliar world of Melbourne's northern suburbs. It has inspired me a little bit to continue with my life-writing. Stories about growing up in Pascoe Vale and my struggle with my family, my (un)happiness and learning things the hard way.


I will not be letting this go. 


xx

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

14/03/10

Don't think, just write.

I'm still in bed. This isn't the first time I've woken up this morning. My mind races. Where is he? He said he's call. It's been hours. The moment he leaves me, I feel the change. I feel that little bit unsafe. I lay here very still to give the illusion that I can easily fall back to sleep. But I can't. I will myself back to sleep. I will my brain to switch off, to allow sleep to take over again. He said he'd call. He knows I worry. With a kiss he whispers that he loves me and that he'd call when he gets there. I'm going to wait one more hour.

I should have started writing when i first opened my eyes. My mind begins to race the very instant I am woken, but I don't want to lose any of the time I have with him because usually it's the only time we have.

My phone just rang, it was him. He's safe, I can breath easy again.

My mind is very random first thing in the morning. I think about the TV shows I've watched, the dreams I've had, what happened yesterday, work, Darcy. His lips on mine, quiet the noise. We thank each other everyday that this is what our lives have become. Then he leaves and my mind becomes dark. What if something to him? I don't dare imagine what the accident would be like, but I imagine hearing the news. I imagine seeing his mother and brothers. It's at that point when I snap the dark blinds of my mind open and let the warmth of the truth wash over, that I fall back asleep.

I don't remember what I dreamt about. Maybe tomorrow?

Darcy believes I'm a writer, he believes in me. I want to believe I'm a writer. I can see what our life could be like. Him building a masterpiece and me drinking coffee, typing away on my laptop in our little country town. The future holds so many things for us. Amazing things. I'm so excited by the prospect of this amazing future, that it sometimes takes over the now. I need to learn to live more in the now. I'm so lucky in the now. In the now I have Darcy. I have my family. I have my writing.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Pick a day and write about it. Is there a narrative?

I woke up next to Darcy for the first time in ten days. It felt so nice until we realized that he had slept in. He was suppose to start work at 7am, though it was already 6:45am and we were both still practically asleep. It was his first day back at work and he was going to be late. He wasn't too happy about it. Though I think he took it all pretty well. He kissed me goodbye and I snuggled back into the warmth of my bed.

The air was crisp and I was happy to have the luxury of a sleep in. That was until I heard Darcy try and start his Ute. I could hear the sound of someone knocking on wood, it took a few seconds to realize that it wasn't our next door neighbour starting his renovations for the day. It was Darcy stuck in our driveway. I quickly jumped out of bed, robed myself and ran out the door into the terrible cold. I yelled out if he need a ride to work and he nodded yes. He looked devastated. First he was running late and now his car wouldn't start. I too, was a little devastated that I had lost my little luxury, but I was happy to do it. Although driving before you're completely awake is dangerous, I really enjoyed getting to spend the extra half hour with him. Admittedly, being rushed out of the house at the crack of dawn wasn't so bad, I had so many things to do today and I didn't want to waist it by spending the day in bed. So after dropping Darcy off at work, off I went to Spot Light.

You know that saying.. "I felt like a kid in a candy store"? well I have become that kid. It's my new Adventure Land. I needed to buy supplies for my necklaces.

I had missed a call from my dad yesterday, driving home from Spot Light I decided to call him. During our conversation, I mentioned Darcy's car not starting this morning and he offered to take a look at it. I was grateful that my dad had offered, I was thinking of asking him, but I had plans today, they were now going to have to wait.

Both my dad and brother had arrived to fix Darcy's car, I was happy to see both of them. I made gluten-free pancakes and coffee for us, we had brunch on what is our "stand-in" kitchen table, with my new red and white polka dotted table cloth. I was sick of looking at our outside table set in my kitchen, when I saw the polka dot table cloth Spot Light, I just had to have it.

As soon as my dad left, my brother offered me a cigarette of the laughing kind. I stupidly accepted. In that instant I had forgotten all the important things I had to do. I spent the rest of the afternoon inside my head. I had various conversations with myself and I discovered that my inner voice is male. Specifically, this afternoon, male, Jewish-American and a comedian. Let's just say I had Jerry Seinfeld in my head.

3:30pm rolled around and I still wasn't myself. I was quite anxious as I got into my car and began the drive to Darcy's work. Everything seemed intensified, I knew I wasn't in the best state of mind to be driving. Darcy kindly offered to drive us both home.

I have thoroughly enjoyed my time with Darcy these past two days. We have definitely had some catching up to do. So now I sit at my desk typing on my laptop, surrounded by buttons, cotton, wool and lace while Darcy ties flies in bed, listening to my favourite playlist. It has clearly been an eventful day.



red text highlights my narrative options.


Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Lady Bow P is in business!!

I mentioned in a previous post about my side project. Well here it is Lady Bow P! It's official. I received my ABN yesterday, so I need to get my self organized; buy more supplies, organize payment methods and a price list.

So much to do!!! :D

xx

Monday, April 5, 2010

Day Four

In the old days, when your partner left you, even for a few days, you missed them and it was okay to miss them, it was expected. But now, when your partner leaves and you’re sad about it, you’re seen as weak, emotional, dependant. You’re made to feel like you’re not your own person, all because you miss the one you love the most.

Darcy is my best friend, my partner, my other half. He is the one I talk to everyday, the one I talk to about my day and when that goes away, even just for a little while, it’s hard, really hard, it even hurts.


I'm tired of people's attitude towards my feelings. I don't have to be ashamed of how I feel. I wont.

Friday, April 2, 2010

The First Night

Tonight Darcy flew to Newcastle. I drove him to the airport and waited for him to board his flight. I tell myself that he'll be safe, that I'll be okay.

A year ago today, I was America. I was in L.A. I knew I never wanted to be away from Darcy even for a night, ever again. And since April 20th I haven't. I never thought I'd have to be again, but for the next 10 nights I'm going to be. Again I find myself in a stupid situation, if only I had organized myself better I could be with him right now. Instead, I'm alone in our room, missing him. Trying not to let the pain take over.

I know he isn't gone for long and others think I'm overreacting, being dramatic, emotional, a girl.. What we have is different to most. Most people could never understand, sadly. I don't think I'm weak for feeling this way. I know when he gets back it's going to be amazing, it is going to be like new life being breathed into our relationship to keep it alive and vital. Nothing is needed for that, but also nothing could ruin it either. So I guess I'm going to take this for what it is, something that we have to go through, it's just the way it is. I'll be okay.

I'll miss him.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Side Project.

As a side project, I've started making material necklaces and finished my first one yesterday. Almost finished a second one that is a present for someone.

I'm really excited about how they're turning out and hopefully will have them up online soon for everyone. I'll post some pictures up soon.

I'm currently working under a "name" and will release it as soon as I'm 100% sure and registered. Stay tuned folks!!

xx

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

What to do? What to do??

Monday 29th March is the beginning of the online Writing for a Magazine course. I have till Friday to enroll. My hesitancy towards this is that it costs $395. I would really like to do this course, I think it would be very useful to me in pursuing my writing career. BUT! I also have to pay for my Continuation Life Writing Course in the next 2 weeks. This is $200 and more important right now...

I guess I just answered my question. I'll do the online course in a few months and for now, just concentrate on my Life Writing.

Thanks Blogger!!!

For those interested: Sydney Writers' Centre

Sunday, March 14, 2010

The Artist's Way

I've started reading The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron and 2 days ago began my Morning Pages. Every morning as I wake, I keep a journal next to my bed and I write 3 pages. It's called Free Writing. I tell myself (and write) "Don't think, just write" and so I do.. I just write whatever comes to me.

I'm excited about this form of writing. I think it's something I need to apply to my writing more often. I find that I think too much and try to make my sentences sound "smarter" and I lose my "voice".

I can't wait to share what I've been writing in my Morning Pages. I think it might be great.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Dad said, Mum said

I tried to write my first poem recently for my writing class. It's titled, Dad said, Mum said.

Dad said, mum said it was okay
Dad said, mum said she knew
Dad said, look at what she left me with
Dad said, I didn't expect this from you.

Mum said, I need you to be angry again
Mum said, look at what he did. Again.

Dad said, I'm not with her
Dad said, I don't care about her.

Years on and I'm caught between two pasts
The past I know I lived through
And the past I learnt was actually true.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

My Road Taken

This piece of writing is for my next writing class. We had to write about a decision made.


My Road Taken

My road taken was a phone call I made to the man I loved. We had met only a month before and it was special. He was special. But he was scared. For a week I lived in a dark hole filled with pain, heartache and confusion. Somehow though, this feeling that it was all going to work out crept it’s way through and took a hold of me.

The night before I made that call I was at a birthday party with my family. It surprisingly turned out to be an amazing, life changing night and I wanted nothing more than to share the details of that night with Darcy. So the next morning I ran to the phone box and without hesitation called him. He wanted to see me as much as I wanted to see him. He invited me to his house that day. It was literally the first day of the rest of my life.

I would not go back and change one single thing about the past year and half. Everything that has happened between us has made us who we are together and I would not have it any other way. He says he would have called me had I not called him and I guess I believe him, I don’t think there has ever been any other option for us. Some people are just meant to be.

Maria Louisa Tobacco

BRAINSTORM

Louisa –

Family, heart, cousin, beautiful, loved, sick, surgeries, Christmas, Italian, Rye, 21st birthday, death, sadness, funeral, Flintstone’s, smile, laughter, Greenvale, Mercy, TUFF XL, family dinner.

What I remember.

It’s been 14 years since her death. I find it hard to remember much about her life, but her death is still very fresh in my mind.

The last time I saw Louisa was roughly 2 weeks before she died. She came to my house with a friend to see my mum. My mum wasn’t home so Louisa didn’t stay very long. I remember walking with her up our driveway and her telling me to get my mum to call her. I remember that she was smiling and happy, but I remember her happy and smiling always, so I’m glad that my last memory of her is this way.

Louisa was born Maria Louisa Tobacco, she was known to her parents and brother as Marie or Maria but to the rest of the world she was known as Louisa or Louise. As a little girl, I didn’t know that Louisa was sick but I knew she was special. She had glowing a presence. When she smiled, you smiled. She loved everyone around her and everyone loved her. This was evident all her life and even after. The High School she went to set up a Scholarship in her name and it seemed that every person she had ever met in her life, including her schoolteachers, came to her funeral.

TBC

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Green Heart

This blog is going to hold as many memories that have changed my life as I can remember.
I've just spent the day with my amazing sister. And I've been thinking about what it is that I want to get out of this blog and so being with my sister and thinking about my writing and this blog, led me to remember the very first time I took (half) an Ecstasy pill.

Part 1.

November 29
th 2008 was my brother's girlfriend's 21st Birthday. I was being very brave that day. The day before I had agreed to being just friends with Darcy. So that night I was putting on a brave face, surrounded by family and so many smiling faces, I had to strive for that happy place I was going to need to get me through my heartbreak.

Amira, my brother's girlfriend, had hired out a bar for her Birthday and it was rapidly drawing to a close. Everyone was saying their goodbyes but also making plans to meet up at the next venue. I was in two minds about what to do. Part of me wanted to go home and let the pain of Darcy's rejection just wash over me, take a hold of me and not release me till there were no more tears. But then I guess, a bigger part of me just didn't want to let that happen. I also wanted to party some more with my siblings, something I don't get to do often enough, so I agreed to tag along.

We headed to Kings St, never a good sign... I don't remember the name of the club, but it was not one for me. The music played was Trance, a genre that has never interested me, neither did most of it's followers. This night was no exception.

I was beginning to fall asleep when my sister asked me if I wanted to go halves in an ecstasy pill. My brother and Amira had taken theirs and wanted us to stay. In that moment I ran through every opinion I had ever had about taking drugs. I thought to myself, 'what better environment to do it in, than surrounded by my siblings..? siblings that "knew" what they were doing. I had always been curious about it, so I said yes.

A half an hour later, we where still sitting on the couch and I was just getting sleepier. I just assumed I hadn't taken enough or that it was a dud, so my sister, who also wasn't feeling it, agreed to go home. If anyone has ever tried to catch a Taxi home from King St on a Saturday night will know exactly what luck we had, so Eva, my sister, and I, decided to walk to Crown Casino which was a 5 minute drive from where we were so an almost half hour walk. I knew there was a Taxi rink at the front so if we didn't find one on our way there, we'd be guaranteed one when we got there.

Unbeknownst to me, the Green Heart (the ecstasy pill that we shared) had started to kick in. So by the time we reached the Casino, we didn't really feel like going home. The flashy, glittery lights looked more appealing. We walked through the Gaming section and suddenly all the flashing lights seemed to be shinning brighter than usual and larger, and I became hotter and astutely aware of everything around me.

I turned to my sister and I had Possum eyes staring back at me. The look of shock on my sister's face undoubtedly mirrored my own, then smiles spread widely across both our faces and this immense feeling took over. I was feeling, exploring my very first "high" and the fact that I was sharing it with my sister made it that much more significant. A faint voice in the back of my mind called out for Darcy but I pushed it further back, I was going to enjoy this.


Part 2.

Being with my sister I felt an energy within myself and around me that I had never experienced before. I was surrounded by it. It was tangible. At one point, sitting down on a bench with my sister, I could see this energy emanate from my hands. I was locked in this world with my sister and I was loving it. I felt like I could fly. I was experiencing another level of consciousness.

We talked. Eva and I talked about everything. We were having amazing breakthroughs, epiphanies. Our worlds made sense. We walked and talked. We could have walked all the way home that night, we had the energy for it, but we decided to take the Night Rider bus home instead, we knew it was the drugs talking and didn't want to pay for that the next day.

Our night was amazing and it was just about the two of us and it didn't matter what we were doing, we just cared that we were doing it together.

I did ask her countless times if I could call Darcy, but she said no every time. For some reason I felt that because she said no to me, that meant that there was absolutely no way to make that call. It didn't matter though, I knew that things were going to be okay between us.

During the bus ride home my sister could not believe the night we were having. I am the oldest of 4 children but the least adventurous, so my doing any kind of drug, least of all Ecstasy was a shock for her. Until that point I had never really smoked Marijuana. This night, everything changed.


Part 3.

Their was a taxi waiting for us at our stop when we got off the bus to take us home. I was still riding this wave of surprise, excitement and adventure and I had no sense of when it might end. It was 5am, but I was more awake than I had ever been and just because we were headed home, didn't mean our night was over. We shared our taxi with a man who was on our bus and were dropped off a few houses up from our own, just in case this man turned out to be a psychopath, and he continued on. I don't think anything could have worried us all that much, we loved everything and everyone.

Waiting for us at home were my brother and Amira, who were equally if not more in love with everything and everyone around them. They were as shocked to see me in my state as Eva was, but they greeted me with laughter and smiles.

Apparently though, I wasn't yet feeling all I could be feeling. They encouraged me to have another half, but this time it was considered a "downer", the 'Green Heart' was an "upper". So this pill was suppose to "Mellow you out and get you in the zone" said Amira, as she rocked back and forth, licking her lips, with her eyes rolling in the back of her head. Both her and my brother looked frightening, but I let it pass. I was in my happy place and they were in theirs.

One of us remembered that our mum was sleeping so we all headed to our neighbour's house.



And so it was Valentine's Day...

This has been our second V-Day together and it was as beautiful as it is everyday. Our day consisted of food, weed, sex, money, items, drinks and sex. It was a good day.

Everyday is V-Day for us. He tells me throughout the day how happy he is and how he loves me. When he looks at me, I can almost feel the whole weight of his feelings for me. We are like mirror images of one another's feelings. It's almost scary. The intensity builds until the only form of release is in the truest sense of the word. Our sex is carnal.

He is a part of me.

Happy Valentine's Day... xoxo

Friday, February 12, 2010

My Intro to Writing...

This is the "quadrillianth" blog of started in my life time, but I'm hoping it's at least one of my last and lasting one(s). As I start this, I'm feeling more mature. You see, the reason for this blog is to not just post my thoughts, but to document them. I know that means the same thing, but to me it doesn't.

I've always just written things down to get stuff out, but this time I need to do something with all the crazy voices in my head... What I mean is, I plan do something with my writing. There, I said it. Writing. I want to be a writer. I never thought this was ever an option for me, but over the last year the idea has crept it's way in and now it's fully lodged into my soul. So I enrolled myself into a 6 week Life Writing course @ CAE and I'm really excited about it. I had my first class last Tuesday, (it's once a week for 6 weeks) and I loved it.

My teacher is Margaret Campbell (I'll post more about her later) and she's interested in what I want to write about... I just hope she's as interested about my writing.

I'm going to close this intro with a question... Who am I writing this to? you or me??
I guess the answer is, who cares...

P-speak xx