14/03/10

Don't think, just write.

I'm still in bed. This isn't the first time I've woken up this morning. My mind races. Where is he? He said he's call. It's been hours. The moment he leaves me, I feel the change. I feel that little bit unsafe. I lay here very still to give the illusion that I can easily fall back to sleep. But I can't. I will myself back to sleep. I will my brain to switch off, to allow sleep to take over again. He said he'd call. He knows I worry. With a kiss he whispers that he loves me and that he'd call when he gets there. I'm going to wait one more hour.

I should have started writing when i first opened my eyes. My mind begins to race the very instant I am woken, but I don't want to lose any of the time I have with him because usually it's the only time we have.

My phone just rang, it was him. He's safe, I can breath easy again.

My mind is very random first thing in the morning. I think about the TV shows I've watched, the dreams I've had, what happened yesterday, work, Darcy. His lips on mine, quiet the noise. We thank each other everyday that this is what our lives have become. Then he leaves and my mind becomes dark. What if something to him? I don't dare imagine what the accident would be like, but I imagine hearing the news. I imagine seeing his mother and brothers. It's at that point when I snap the dark blinds of my mind open and let the warmth of the truth wash over, that I fall back asleep.

I don't remember what I dreamt about. Maybe tomorrow?

Darcy believes I'm a writer, he believes in me. I want to believe I'm a writer. I can see what our life could be like. Him building a masterpiece and me drinking coffee, typing away on my laptop in our little country town. The future holds so many things for us. Amazing things. I'm so excited by the prospect of this amazing future, that it sometimes takes over the now. I need to learn to live more in the now. I'm so lucky in the now. In the now I have Darcy. I have my family. I have my writing.

Pick a day and write about it. Is there a narrative?

I woke up next to Darcy for the first time in ten days. It felt so nice until we realized that he had slept in. He was suppose to start work at 7am, though it was already 6:45am and we were both still practically asleep. It was his first day back at work and he was going to be late. He wasn't too happy about it. Though I think he took it all pretty well. He kissed me goodbye and I snuggled back into the warmth of my bed.

The air was crisp and I was happy to have the luxury of a sleep in. That was until I heard Darcy try and start his Ute. I could hear the sound of someone knocking on wood, it took a few seconds to realize that it wasn't our next door neighbour starting his renovations for the day. It was Darcy stuck in our driveway. I quickly jumped out of bed, robed myself and ran out the door into the terrible cold. I yelled out if he need a ride to work and he nodded yes. He looked devastated. First he was running late and now his car wouldn't start. I too, was a little devastated that I had lost my little luxury, but I was happy to do it. Although driving before you're completely awake is dangerous, I really enjoyed getting to spend the extra half hour with him. Admittedly, being rushed out of the house at the crack of dawn wasn't so bad, I had so many things to do today and I didn't want to waist it by spending the day in bed. So after dropping Darcy off at work, off I went to Spot Light.

You know that saying.. "I felt like a kid in a candy store"? well I have become that kid. It's my new Adventure Land. I needed to buy supplies for my necklaces.

I had missed a call from my dad yesterday, driving home from Spot Light I decided to call him. During our conversation, I mentioned Darcy's car not starting this morning and he offered to take a look at it. I was grateful that my dad had offered, I was thinking of asking him, but I had plans today, they were now going to have to wait.

Both my dad and brother had arrived to fix Darcy's car, I was happy to see both of them. I made gluten-free pancakes and coffee for us, we had brunch on what is our "stand-in" kitchen table, with my new red and white polka dotted table cloth. I was sick of looking at our outside table set in my kitchen, when I saw the polka dot table cloth Spot Light, I just had to have it.

As soon as my dad left, my brother offered me a cigarette of the laughing kind. I stupidly accepted. In that instant I had forgotten all the important things I had to do. I spent the rest of the afternoon inside my head. I had various conversations with myself and I discovered that my inner voice is male. Specifically, this afternoon, male, Jewish-American and a comedian. Let's just say I had Jerry Seinfeld in my head.

3:30pm rolled around and I still wasn't myself. I was quite anxious as I got into my car and began the drive to Darcy's work. Everything seemed intensified, I knew I wasn't in the best state of mind to be driving. Darcy kindly offered to drive us both home.

I have thoroughly enjoyed my time with Darcy these past two days. We have definitely had some catching up to do. So now I sit at my desk typing on my laptop, surrounded by buttons, cotton, wool and lace while Darcy ties flies in bed, listening to my favourite playlist. It has clearly been an eventful day.

red text highlights my narrative options.

Lady Bow P is in business!!

I mentioned in a previous post about my side project. Well here it is Lady Bow P! It's official. I received my ABN yesterday, so I need to get my self organized; buy more supplies, organize payment methods and a price list.

So much to do!!! :D

xx

Day Four

In the old days, when your partner left you, even for a few days, you missed them and it was okay to miss them, it was expected. But now, when your partner leaves and you’re sad about it, you’re seen as weak, emotional, dependant. You’re made to feel like you’re not your own person, all because you miss the one you love the most.

Darcy is my best friend, my partner, my other half. He is the one I talk to everyday, the one I talk to about my day and when that goes away, even just for a little while, it’s hard, really hard, it even hurts.

I'm tired of people's attitude towards my feelings. I don't have to be ashamed of how I feel. I wont.

The First Night

Tonight Darcy flew to Newcastle. I drove him to the airport and waited for him to board his flight. I tell myself that he'll be safe, that I'll be okay.

A year ago today, I was America. I was in L.A. I knew I never wanted to be away from Darcy even for a night, ever again. And since April 20th I haven't. I never thought I'd have to be again, but for the next 10 nights I'm going to be. Again I find myself in a stupid situation, if only I had organized myself better I could be with him right now. Instead, I'm alone in our room, missing him. Trying not to let the pain take over.

I know he isn't gone for long and others think I'm overreacting, being dramatic, emotional, a girl.. What we have is different to most. Most people could never understand, sadly. I don't think I'm weak for feeling this way. I know when he gets back it's going to be amazing, it is going to be like new life being breathed into our relationship to keep it alive and vital. Nothing is needed for that, but also nothing could ruin it either. So I guess I'm going to take this for what it is, something that we have to go through, it's just the way it is. I'll be okay.

I'll miss him.